Based on the responses from my post “All the Single Ladies Put Your Hands Up!” I’ve decided to write one for the boys…
In his blog Donald Miller has some great things to say to men about what it means to live a great love story. He says that any great story contains the following elements:
- A person (or group of people)
- That wants something.
- And are willing to overcome conflict to get it.
A great love story is no different. In a love story, a guy wants a girl, and is willing to fight the dragon to get her. But… there’s a difference between men and women here.
Men were not designed to have love stories “happen to them” as much as they were designed to “make a love story happen to a woman.” Do you understand? You’re the writer of the story. You’re the guy who initiates and has the character to follow through.
Unfortunately we live in a culture of guys who couldn’t write a love story to save their lives. Also, most people think love stories only benefit women. But don’t be fooled. There’s a lot in this for you. A man can have sex with a thousand women and he’ll never feel as masculine or as powerful as he will be leading a woman through a good love story.
So here then are some tips from Donald’s blog that will help you to lead a woman through a great love story:
1) Want something
Every story involves a person who wants something, and you’re love story can’t be any different. Women are attracted to men on a mission – men who want to make the world a better place and are focused and dedicated to making this happen. This means going to college, starting a company, coaching a team or teaching a class. If you want to make a woman’s dreams come true, pick up your X-box and throw it in the trash and start doing something with your life.
2) Choose the right women to date
The book of Proverbs was primarily written to men, and while there is a great deal of advice in the book about work ethic and finances, a significant chunk of the book is spent warning men to stay away from certain women. Is she seductive? Stay away. Is she nagging? Stay away. Is she sexually promiscuous? Stay away. I spent a good deal of my varsity career dating girls who were seductive, and have paid dearly. Now this does not mean you shouldn’t date a girl with a past. It just means stay away from a woman who leads with her seductive side. You want a woman who is looking for a man, not a woman looking for men.
3) Be honourable with the women you date
Unfortunately I messed this one up big time in the past. But here’s the thing. You can either wreck a girls heart, or build it up. You can either help her understand that she’s beautiful by protecting her heart and her body, or teach her she’s just a girl worth using for sex. To be sure, there are plenty of girls who actually just want to be used for sex, but remember Proverbs says stay away from these women.
4) Stop validating yourself with women
This was a pretty serious problem for me, and I think for a lot of men – especially men who grew up with womanizing fathers or no fathers at all. Men who do not believe they have what it takes to live life well and with strength will validate themselves with women. They just aren’t sure they’re manly, so they have to test themselves all the time by trying to knock down girl after girl. Even if it’s not sexual, it can be emotional. A guy can get hooked on that feeling of having a girl like him. If you are going to tell a great love story, you are going to have to figure out how to let go of this tendency. Stop validating yourself with women. Stay focused on the one girl you’ve chosen and make it happen with her and her alone.
5) Stop having sex and start making love
I’m amazed at how many women hook up with guys and talk about how terrible the sex was. But why? Why would a man who has slept with hundreds of women not be very good in bed? Well, the main reason is a woman wants to connect in ways beyond just a physical connection. Most “players” have no idea how to make love to a woman, precisely because they don’t even care about the woman they are sleeping with on a given night. They are so busy trying to get laid, they take no time to actually find out who she is. Essentially, sex to them is just mutual masturbation. I mean sure she wanted to have sex, but she may have wanted something else, too. A woman often wants a deep, soul connection. Even though she hooked up with a stranger, she was just going through the motions of something else she really wants. She wants words of affirmation and eye contact and playful fun that only happens in intimacy. Why was the sex no good in the hook up? Because the relationship was no good.
Husbands, make love to your wife’s heart, not just her body. As ferociously as possible, find that woman’s heart and connect with it. Learn everything about her and connect with her in as many ways as possible. Understand her story and care about her past. Then her body will respond in ways she never thought humanly possible, and, for that matter, so will yours.