3 Ways to Seize the Day!

I recently had the incredible privilege of conducting the wedding of one of my best friends. And as we stood there under a magnificent tree, I wanted to make sure the words I shared with the couple were both profound and personal. I’m not sure if I hit the mark, but here’s the verse I used, and three takeaways I got from it:

 

Seize life! Eat bread with gusto,

Drink wine with a robust heart.

Oh yes – God takes pleasure in your pleasure!

Dress festively every morning. 

Don’t skimp on colours and scarves.

Relish life with the spouse you love

Each and every day of your precarious life.

Each day is God’s gift. It’s all you get in exchange

For the hard work of staying alive. 

Make the most of each one!

Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily!

- Ecclesiastes 9:7-10 MSG

 

1. Learn to Relish the Small Things

Having recently become a dad, I am constantly amazed by how much pleasure I get from simply watching my son. When he laughs, I laugh – I can’t help myself. And it’s the same with God – not some distant angry god who is waiting for us to mess up – but a Father who takes pleasure in our pleasure. Learning to relish life means learning to seize oppourtunities that come your way. It means making the most of what you have been given. It means finding joy in the smallest of things.

2. Understand Life is Hard

This verse in Ecclesiastes is not naïve or rose-tinted. The writer is under no illusion that life is easy – in fact he says that just staying alive is hard work and that our lives are precarious things! He acknowledges that life has a way of knocking the joy out of us, and that it takes effort and work and planning to live life well. Understanding life isn’t easy prevents us from feeling like victims, and helps us to face our challenges head on.

3. Understand that Each Day is a Gift From God

In my opinion this is really the key to savouring life. Understanding that every day we get here on earth is a precious gift not to be taken for granted. Every breath we take, every moment we get to spend with family and friends, every oppourtunity for travel, every sunrise and sunset – these are free gifts of Grace from God.

And so, may you seize life with gusto, relishing the moments you have with the people you love. May you understand the fragility of life, and treat each day as a true gift from a loving Father.

Don’t Let Stress Sabotage Your Relationship

In a world that is moving too fast, most of us are walking around tired and stressed-out. Naturally, we tend to take out this stress on the people closest to us: our partners.

Thomas Bradbury, clinical psychologist and co-founder of the UCLA Relationship Institute, gives some great practical advice to ensure stress doesn’t sabotage your relationship:

1. Get stress on your radar

Learn to recognize when your partner is feeling stressed, and cut him or her some slack.

2. Step up.

When your partner is tired and stressed, that’s your signal to step up and do more around the house, Bradbury says. “But if you crow about helping, you are making your partner feel worse, not better.”

3. Build a firewall.

Partners in healthy relationships “know how to prevent ordinary frustrations from spilling over to erode the good feelings that they have for one another,” Bradbury says. “So build a firewall around all of the great things you and your partner share, and protect them against minor annoyances.”

4. Strengthen the foundation.

Healthy relationships are about two people taking care of each other. Figure out what your partner needs to feel secure and happy and do your best to give it to them, and on their terms, not yours.

5. Get active.

If stress is eating away at your relationship, get on your feet and invite your partner to a walk, a class or a movie.

Words Like Atom Bombs

Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs. – Pearl Strachan

The words we speak are powerful things. Words can tear down or they can build up. They can bring death or they can bring life.

This past week I did not use my words very well. In an argument with someone I love dearly I became defensive and emotional, and used my words to pierce and wound.

I’m sure you too have stories about the power of words – how the words someone spoke to you impacted your life. Perhaps they were words of encouragement that brought confidence and peace and joy. Or maybe they were words that brought pain and hurt and sadness. Perhaps those words are still lodged in your heart today…

Now, whether you consider yourself a Christ-follower or not, the Bible is full of reminders of how supremely useful, and how incomparably potent words can be. The scriptures call us to use our words wisely and well – to bring healing and forgiveness and wholeness and freedom. Here are just a few examples:

• Ecclesiastes 6:11 says that when used sparsely – succinctly – words carry great meaning.
• Psalm 119:130 says that words can actually give light. Words can give understanding to those who don’t yet understand.
• Proverbs 12:18 says that although reckless words pierce like a sword, words from the tongue of the wise can actually bring healing.
• Proverbs 17:27 says that when used with restraint, words prove you’re a person of knowledge.
• Proverbs 16:24 says that pleasant words are like a honeycomb - sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
• Ecclesiastes 10:12 says that although a fool is consumed by his own lips, the words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious.
• Deuteronomy 32:2 says words can actually descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.

These are the kinds of words the scriptures call us to speak.

Humble words. Healing words. Wise words. Gentle words. Grace-filled words.

Now I wonder, are these the types of words you’re known for speaking?

If your closest friends or the family members who actually live underneath the same roof as you were polled anonymously about this, would they say that in the course of normal, everyday life, you can be counted on to speak words of encouragement and grace?

Let’s take today for example. Think about the very last thing you said before you started reading this blog.

• Who you were talking to?
• Do you remember what you said?
• Were the words you spoke life-giving and inspiring and grace-filled?
• Or were they… well, the opposite?

I find it interesting that for some reason God has allowed such power to inhabit our words? Astounding power in fact.

Jesus said that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. And so, when the words I speak are divisive and mean, then I must look deep into my heart to see where those words have come from.

6 Tips From Your Future Self

In an episode of one of my favourite TV sitcoms “30 Rock”, CEO Jack Donaghy has a hallucinatory encounter with his future self, from whom he receives life advice that helps him avoid major mistakes.

Pretty cool.

I’m sure most of us would also like to know which choices and decisions we make today that will benefit us later on – or come back to haunt us. Of course there’s no way to step into our own futures, but we can get a very good sense of what mistakes we should avoid in life by speaking to those who have “done life” before us – our elders.

Based on this premise, Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University, has over the past six years conducted several studies involving 1,200 older Americans regarding the advice they would offer to members of the younger generation.

The surveys addressed questions like “What mistakes should younger people avoid?” and “What are people most likely to regret when they get to the end of life?” And so, according to America’s elders, here are the top six  biggest mistakes young people make as published by CNN:

1. Putting too high a priority on money.

2. Getting into debt.

3. Worrying too much.

4. Excessive drinking and drugs.

5. Rushing into marriage before you’re ready.

6. Passing up opportunities.

I’d love to hear your own thoughts on  this advice. Do you think it’s spot-on, or misguided? What advice would you add to this list?

Becoming Human

This is a guest post by Kevin Light that really moved me.

I followed him as he walked away from the crowd to the bottom of the garden. He stood there with his face in his hands, sobbing. I put my arms around his shoulders and I held on through the waves of grief that wracked his body.

“There’s only so much superficial crap you can take,” he said.

“Why do they talk like that? They’re adults, with degrees and successful careers. They drive cars. They buy houses. Why, then, must they talk such meaningless junk? Especially at a time like this.”

As we stood in silence, his question hung between us.

Eventually I replied, “They may have degrees and successful careers, Joe. They may own cars and buy houses. They may look and act adult. But perhaps they talk in this meaningless, superficial way, especially at a time like this, because they are not as skilled at being human as they are at those other things.”

Joe’s very small child had died in his arms just a few days before as he desperately tried to resuscitate her.

Now family and friends had gathered for the funeral. Well-meaning people had come in love to bring comfort and consolation. Some brought flowers, others brought food, most brought cards. It was brave of them to come because it was a very tough place to be: so much brokenness and no way to fix it.

But that is where the clumsiness lay – some of the people tried to fix it, to make it less sore.

“You’re young and can have more children. God gave you this because you can cope with it. She was an old soul and was just here for a while until her job here was done etc. etc.”

These may be common responses, but Joe’s right, they are superficial and meaningless. Try them on for size the next time your life breaks, and let us all know how that works out for you!

The bottom line is that if we are going to become skillful at being human we need to develop more than degrees and careers, and acquire more than money, cars and houses.

If we are to become human we will need to learn how to sit with pain without trying to fix it, or go around it, or smooth it over. And that will be difficult, sometimes impossibly difficult, but it will refine us, and define us, and give us lives of courage and integrity. It will give us gravity and significance as human beings.

As Alan Paton said, “All who are mature, whether young or old, accept suffering as inseparable from life. I cannot even conceive that life could have any meaning without suffering. There would certainly be no music, no theatre, no literature, no art.”

If you want to give somebody a lighter spirit when they are in pain, you will need to have the courage to sit with them when there is nothing to say, and say nothing. To get that right you will need to first enter the place of your own brokenness and sit there too.

“When the heart
Is cracked or broken
Do not clutch it
Let the wound lie open
Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt
And let it sting.
Let a stray dog lick it
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring.” - Michael Leunig

The Second Thing You Should Do in 2012

Item no. 81 on my Bucket List...

On Monday, I blogged about taking time out to reflect on the year gone past, and to start 2012 by asking the right questions. Today, I will share with you the second thing I think you should do as you launch into the new year:

Make a plan.

That’s it. Simple. Have a plan, and start working the plan. Of course, there are many ways to go about doing this, but here is my own simple 3-step process:

1) Start by creating a “Life Plan”

I first learnt about life planning many years ago from Stephen Covey’s book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and as I have used the process in some shape or form ever since, it has made all the difference.

So, why do you need a life plan? Three reasons:

1. It will give you clarity about where your life is headed.
2. It will keep you in balance when things get crazy.
3. It will give you peace of mind, knowing you are are addressing those aspects of your life that matter most.

Sadly however, very few people I’ve met have a plan for their life. They plan their career, their wedding, even their holidays. But it never occurs to them to plan their life.

As Michael Hyatt writes, “Most are passive spectators, watching their lives unfold, one day at a time. They are reactive rather than proactive. I believe that this is why so many people end up discouraged, disillusioned, and wondering what went wrong. They arrived at the wrong destination.“

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. You can live your life on purpose by creating your own personal life plan. If you have no idea what a life plan is, or where to start, check out these links:

Creating a Personal Life Plan & 7 Reasons Why You Need A Written Life Plan

2) Write Your Bucket List

When I was in Grade 8, my Life-Skills teacher told the class to write a list of 101 Things To Do Before You Die, and that’s exactly what I did. Today, 17 years later (yikes!), I still have that original list. If you’re interested check it out here.

To date I have completed 56 of the 101 items on my bucket list, which has been no easy feat.

Over the years this list has stopped me from becoming passive, apathetic or lazy. It has inspired me to take risks, step out of my comfort zone, and pursue adventures and challenges I could have easily made excuses for. Not only that, but is has been a whole lot of fun! Sometimes I think we take ourselves and life  too seriously, and having a few big-hairy-audacious-goals in front of you forces you to let loose and live a little.

So, what’s on your bucket list? And what are you waiting for?

3) Write Down Your Annual Goals

The last step is to look at the year ahead and, with your Life Plan and your Bucket List in hand, to write down a short list of goals, wishes, and dreams for 2012. Don’t overshoot – everything on the list must be achievable within the year – but also be bold and don’t sell yourself short.

My annual goals list usually has between 15 and 25 goals on it, and I try to include a few Bucket List items in there every year. It includes financial goals, goals for my marriage and my relationships, goals for my health and fitness, work goals, fun goals, and goals for my spiritual growth.

Finally, make sure you display your Annual Goals List somewhere where you’re likely to see it everyday. Mine is stuck up on the inside of my cupboard, as a daily reminder to me.

While steps 1 and 2 do take some time (I suggest trying to get away for an entire day), it is well worth the effort. Once you have your Life Plan and Bucket List in place, it becomes a quick and easy process of reviewing them every year, and writing down your annual goals. 

Bottom line is this: I want to be better in January 2013 than I was January 2012. And to do this, I believe I need a plan. And so do you.

The First Thing You Should Do In 2012

Ants in my pants... c'mon, I was cute!

When I was growing up my mother always told me I had “ants in my pants“. I was always excited or agitated about something, and couldn’t sit still for a second.

Not much has changed.

Even now I struggle to simply “be still”. My mind always active – always looking ahead to the “next” thing – I have to force myself to live in the present, and find quiet reflection really difficult.

And yet, in a world where things are moving so fast, I realise that sometimes in life, you have to stop before you can truly begin, and that pressing pause to be still and reflect is often the best way to start. Of course, you don’t want to live life looking behind you, but taking time out to intentionally slow down and consider the year gone past can be an extremely beneficial, rewarding, and productive thing to do. Trevor Hudson says,

“We don’t learn simply from experiences; we learn when we reflect on those experiences.”

Travis Gale, leadership coach and a good friend of mine, believes strongly in taking time out to reflect, and says that the key to healthy reflection is all about asking the right questions. He says, “Many of us look for answers, but few sit down and think about the right questions to ask. Questions have the uncanny knack to open up possibilities, to get us thinking out the box, and perhaps break down the limitations we put on ourselves.”

And so, before you start 2012, why not  STOP and ask the right questions? Questions like:

• What energised me most in 2011?
• Which relationships brought me the most joy? Why?
• Which relationships put me under the most pressure? Why?
• What were the “defining moments” of 2011?
• What strengths did I see in myself during 2011?
• Under which conditions did I see myself thrive?
• What did I avoid doing that I know I most needed to do?
• What books and mentors had the greatest impact on me? Why?
• Am I closer to my friends and family from my activities last year?

Answering these kind of questions allows you to accomplish two objectives. First, it forces you to focus on the important things in your life and not get lost in the trivial. Second, it provides an excellent platform to set goals for the new year.

On Thursday, I’ll post the second thing I think you should do in 2012…

Highs & Lows of 2011

Last week, to celebrate our 6th anniversary, my wife Jess and I went out for dinner and, as is our tradition, we spent time reflecting on the year gone past, and sharing our “highs and lows” for the year.

Here are some of my own personal “highs” for 2011 (in order of appearance):

• Paddling in my first ever SurfSki race series - www.marineseries.co.za
• Renovating our House (see also “lows”)
• U2 Concert in Cape Town
• Mens Camp
• Buying an iPad 2 – read 3 Reasons Why I Love my iPad 2
• Road-tripping to Plett with a very pregnant wife (stopping every 5 min to pee)
• Catching the best waves of my life in J-Bay
• Living in Durbs (never gets old)
• Becoming a dad (best thing that has ever happened to me)
• My blog getting Freshly Pressed and getting a bunch of attention and exposure…
• Teaching the Alpha Course live
• Doing the Oribi Gorge swing
• Preaching “Inception” at God in the Movies – definitely one of my favourite films
• Starting Kettlebells (possibly the best and most complete workout you can give your body! see Flux Motion for details)
• Being a part of Red Frogs Ballito

However, as we laughed and reminisced, we also both realised that 2011 has in fact been quite a tough year for us. Here are a few of the “lows” from 2011:

• Renovations that took far too long and cost far too much
• Living in our house while said renovations took place (doing our dishes in the bath for a month is a personal favourite)
• Jess throwing up everyday for 4 months during her pregnancy
• Jess being admitted 3 times to hospital for kidney stones and various complications, worrying if we would lose the baby, having surgery twice while pregnant…
• Becoming a parent (see “highs”, but still a big adjustment)

And so, as we reflected and pondered this year of change, we acknowledged it has been…

a hard year, but a healthy year.

In fact, this time in 2010 we were both exhausted and burnt out, and yet this year we seem to be in a better place than we’ve ever been. With more energy, more peace, more grace towards each other, and an incredibly deep sense of contentment with our lives right now.

And so, I guess happiness and joy is less connected to our circumstances and more connected to our inner world than we might give credit for. It is not simply the absence of conflict, but rather peace in the midst of it.

What were some of your highs and lows of 2011?

From the blog side of things, 2011 has been an amazing year for me. I have absolutely loved sharing some of my thoughts and experiences with you, and I honestly can’t wait for where things are going in 2012. I would just like to thank every single person that has taken the time to visit my site, and be a part of it. I really appreciate the support!

May you have a blessed festive season, filled with God’s peace and joy.

Tom

Nobody Wants a Christmas Worth Forgetting.

Christmas time can be a crazy time for many of us.

Presents. Shopping. Parties. Food. Family. Friends. Boney M.

Now all these things are good things (except Boney M I would argue), but sometimes they can overwhelm us and steal our peace and joy.

And so, as part of your build up to Christmas this year, why don’t you make a conscious decision to do things a little differently this holiday season? Don’t just give presents, but give presence too. That means investing in the relationships around you. Spending quality time with the people you love. Going out of your way to be generous to someone in need, or to do something for someone else.

The Advent Conspiracy is an international movement centered around bringing a deeper meaning to Christmas. The movement is characterized by its four founding principles: Worship Fully, Spend Less, Give More, Love All. Here is a short 3-min video I did on the conspiracy to LOVE ALL this season…

Check it out. It might just make your Christmas an unforgettable one.

The Adventure of Marriage

I’ve always been fascinated with Everest.

I’ve read books, watched documentaries, and followed with intrigue the stories of brave men and women who have climbed to the top of the world. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get the chance (or have it in me) to summit Everest, but one of my life’s ambitions is to hike to Base Camp.

Just to be there and feel the energy of the place. To wait with excitement and anticipation as the weather window opens up and teams prepare to climb. To hear the hiss and crackle of radios as crews and family members listen with baited-breath to their loved ones thousands of feet above them. To celebrate with those lucky few who find success.

And in actual fact, the success of the climb is directly determined by the status of things at Base Camp. An average climber spends only 2 weeks climbing Everest, but at least 3 months at Base Camp preparing and acclimatizing. Without good ground support and adequate supplies, your climb will be doomed before you even start.

I think marriage is a bit like Base Camp.

What I mean is that every husband and wife has their own individual dreams and ambitions – their own mountains to climb and peaks to summit. And that’s important in a marriage. In fact, recent studies have shown that couples who have their own sense of purpose and passion outside of the home are more likely to be happy. BUT, in order for each person to achieve their summits, you’ve got to make sure things back at Base Camp are in order.

Some people think marriage stops you from achieving your dreams. That once you’re married, it’s all over. Give up your aspirations. Compromise your calling. In fact, the exact opposite is true.

Marriage doesn’t stop you from climbing your mountains, it enables you to! In a healthy marriage, your partner is your greatest fan, the one who encourages you to fulfill your dreams and who helps you to become the person you were made to be.

Of course, there are two extremes we tend to fall into here.

On the one hand I have seen marriages where couples spend all their time chasing after their own selfish ambitions, and not nearly enough time looking after things at home. We throw ourselves into work, chasing after our career ambitions at the expense of family. We find ultimate purpose and identity in “what we do” rather than “who we are” and lose ourselves seeking after false peaks. Base Camp falls into ruin, the relationship becomes disconnected and distant, and without that support, we find ourselves unable to complete any climb, let alone our “Everest”.

Stuck on the side of a mountain without any support.

On the other hand I have seen marriages where couples are so stuck in their comfort zones that they have made Base Camp the goal! Afraid to take risks, or under the false impression that “now that we are married we must do everything together”, individual dreams and goals are discarded, forgotten, or “put off”. A feeling of resentment and boredom creeps into the marriage and eventually we start to take it out on each other. We feel as if something has been stolen from us, and we forget that marriage was never meant to be the end target, but rather the launching platform. Of course, there is always a tension and a balance. And practically, in order to do a 2 week climb, we still need 3 months at Base Camp.

But my challenge to married couples out there is to understand and support your partner’s goals. To cheer them on. To be their biggest fans. To let them go if that’s what is needed.

And not to give up on your own dreams.

6 Things To Stop Caring About Today

Every day is an oppourtunity to start again. A new beginning.

Sometimes however, in life, you have to stop before you can truly begin. So starting today, here are 6 things you should stop caring about:

1) Stop caring about everyone else’s opinion of you.

For the most part, what other people think and say about you doesn’t matter. And yet we spend so much energy worrying about it. As Bill Cosby said, “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”

Choose a few people in your life whom you trust, who know you well, and who love you enough to tell you the truth (even if it hurts). Listen to them, and don’t bother too much about the rest.

2) Stop caring about your failures.

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Failures teach us important lessons. In fact, the biggest mistake you can make is doing nothing because you’re too scared to make a mistake! Learn to fail forward.

3) Stop caring about the things you have no control over.

Some forces are out of your control. Accept this fact of life. Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and a lack of peace.

4) Stop caring about being right all the time.

Someone once asked me, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?”

Funny. But true. Sometimes we can “win” the argument and “lose” our relationships in the process. Sometimes being “right” is far less important than simply being there for someone or listening to them.

5) Stop caring about what others have.

It’s so natural for us to compare “up”. We look at that friend of ours with the mansion and the sexy car, or at the boss with the corner office. We fool ourselves by thinking we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life — a level we see others operating at. Unfortunately this simply isn’t true. It’s a moving target. A mirage.

Instead, appreciate where you are and what you have right now. Try comparing yourself to those who have less. Hopefully it opens our eyes to all the things we can be grateful for, and spurs us on to generosity.

6) Stop caring about the imaginary state of perfect.

So often perfection is the enemy of good.

Because we can’t find the “perfect plan” or the “ideal answer” to the problem, we simply give up and do nothing at all. Sometimes a bad plan is better than no plan at all.

Stop looking for the “silver bullet” or the “magic formula” that will solve all your woes, and focus rather on simply taking the next right step, even if that step is small.

Inspiration for this blog came from Marc and Angel Hack.

The Cult of Multi-Tasking

Hi my name is Tom, and I am a multi-tasker.

I confess.

Far too often I am so busy checking my email, writing a message, answering a text, writing down an idea (possibly at the same time) that I miss the person standing right in front of me. Sometimes I think this is part of the way God has wired me while at other times I realise I’ve been seduced by words like “quick” and “efficient.”

Sometimes I think I’m addicted to “being productive” and forget to simply “be”.

I know I have spoken about this topic many times before, but I really believe it is a major problem in our culture today – a problem that stresses us out and destroys relationships.

Turns out in fact, that not only does it mess with our sense of well-being, but it also kills productivity. There is loads of scientific data out there now that proves this, and shows that multi-tasking is really not the best strategy for effectiveness.

In an interesting article and study entitled “The Cult of Multitasking”, it was found that the average employee loses 2.1 hours of productivity every day to interruptions and distractions, and that each day a typical office employee checks e-mail 50 times and uses instant messaging 77 times. It goes on to say…

The cult of multitasking would have us believe that compulsive message-checking is the behavior of an always-on, hyper-productive worker. But it’s not. It’s the sign of a distracted employee who misguidedly believes he can do multiple tasks at one time. Science disagrees. People may be able to chew gum and walk at the same time, but they can’t do two or more thinking tasks simultaneously.

Researchers at the University of Michigan found that productivity dropped as much as 40 percent when subjects tried to do two or more things at once. The switching exacts other costs, too — mistakes and burnout. One of the study’s authors, David Meyer, asserts bluntly that quality work and multitasking are incompatible.

So, it’s confession time. Are you in the cult?